you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize