What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
