Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
