I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
