some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
