well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
