Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
