Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
