genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
