I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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