Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
