Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
