so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
