Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize