my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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