it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
