I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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