he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
