I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
