"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
