I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize