mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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