So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
