I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i dont even know how to be here
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
