I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm both gender and math confused
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
