Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
