Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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