mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize