Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
