I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
