I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
