i just wanna soil my oats bro
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Randomize
