I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
