I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
