You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
