tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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