hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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