You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
