he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
