Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
