Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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