then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
