Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
