Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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