can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
