I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
40s are totally the cure
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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