Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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