We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
