This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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