Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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