Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
