There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
