Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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