Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
