WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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