mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
