I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
