He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
