Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
