is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
