I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize