Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
