I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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