I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
