at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
